This Moment is You

I’m delaying sleep because I’m afraid of tomorrow. Things at work have certainly been looking up and looking better for me lately, but at the same time, I don’t see myself in a long-term thing there and that makes me really restless.

I also REALLY really want a sabbatical of some sort – a year of finding myself, learning new things, doing something unique and exciting. I could work on a coffee farm in Hawaii, learn Spanish and Yoga in Costa Rica, or be a part of a number of volunteer projects across the world (though I tend to be drawn to those in the southern hemisphere).

I am bored and restless. And hope that I’ll soon stop talking about this and actually do it. What’s holding me back? Fear? No. Job security? Nope. It’s money. And that f’ing sucks.

Restless in Minnesota

I’m losing track of the jobs I’m applying for, in state and out of state. Today, I perused MTV Networks/Viacom’s Job Site (which I think is a pretty good one) and applied for two jobs in NYC, one in Santa Monica, and another in Chicago. I know people currently and formerly at MTV Networks at least in NYC and Chicago, so if I REALLY wanted to make it happen, I could probably start making calls or sending emails and using my connections. But I’m still kind of up in the air about my next move.

I’m most excited and interested in the Hawaii plan, but that kind of depends on my travel companion and adventure partner. He’s debating a move across the other pond, and honestly, this isn’t quite something I’m ready to commit to doing myself. I could do Chicago, California, or something like that by myself because the career move would be something similar to what I do now, I’d fall into a routine much like the one I’m in now and I’d get out and make friends. Something about the life I’d be seeking in Hawaii almost necessitates taking a friend with me considering I hope to have more “down time” than a “real job” would allow, and I’d want to explore and experience all of that with someone I could share it with.

I think at this point, I at least know that I want to move SOMEwhere. Either to Hawaii on an adventure, or to another city in more of a career move. I don’t even know that the career move would be an upward one, but it’d be something different than the agency I’m in now.

Anyone ever just picked up and left to do something? I really wish I’d studied abroad in college so I’d have the experience and knowledge of someone who’s traveled like this before.

All I know is that I HAVE to make this happen. I just need to pick a direction. I can’t move forward with any of my plans because I don’t know what to do first.

How About Costa Rica?

Funny. I sat myself down at a nearby coffee shop just now with the intention of doing some writing. I have a couple of different magazines that I owe materials to, and I just wanted to take some time to try to update Lily Pad as well, but I wasn’t sure what I’d really write about. I mean, I know what I want to write about, but I’m not quite ready to make that public yet.

So I sat down, opened my laptop, stirred up my iced coffee and wondered where to start. I decided to start here, with this one, since my next step is still so up in the air.

As soon as I logged in, I overheard the barista behind me say, “How about Costa Rica?”

Funny. I’ve been thinking of a trip there. The Spanish/Yoga classes, maybe some kind of ESL program (not that I speak fluent Spanish, but I intend to).

Anyway, so here I am. Sitting at a coffee shop in St. Paul, MN, wondering how I’m going to get myself on a beach and soon, whether it’s a sabbatical in Costa Rica or an island adventure in Hawaii.

Grace

“Adopt a positive attitude in the face of difficulty.  Imagine that by undergoing a difficult situation with grace you are also preventing worse consequences from karmas that you would otherwise have to experience in the future.  Take upon yourself the burden of everyone’s suffering of that type.”

~ How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life, His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

I Can See Clearly Now

My cousin and I talked tonight about starting (wait for it) a new blog project. One in which I muse my city life waxings and she, her rural perspective. Something of a city mouse/country mouse story. Anyway, she suggested that we pick a topic weekly that we both write about, sometimes they’ll be parallel, sometimes we’ll blatantly disagree. That’s the beauty. Anyway, I told her to pick the first topic.

She picked purpose.

I shit you not.  Ok, so even if I can’t find any answers to my life’s questions just yet… I at least know what it is I’m seeking.

I Was Never Not Coming Here

I can reconcile some of Rick Warren’s teachings with something I’ve been holding on to since I read it in Eat Pray Love:  I was never not coming here.

The author in that book says that in response to a friend she met in Bali.  Her friend says something to the effect of, “What would I had done if you hadn’t come here?!”  To which she wrote, I was never not coming here.

That stuck with me, especially in the wake of all of this self-searching, wondering where to take my life.  I was never not coming here. Life is not an accident, I’m not suddenly filled with ideas and dreams to just think and write about them.  Things are suddenly becoming clearer for a reason.

I was always coming here.

The Journey’s First Step

I’m on a quest. I know, without a doubt, that there is more to life than this and I’m setting out to find it.

My “this,” is just this:

I’m a 25-year old Media Buyer at one of the biggest ad agencies in Minneapolis. I work anywhere from 50-60 hour work-weeks for $37k/year. I graduated in 2005 with a B.A. in Psychology from the state school. I have a minor in “Strategic Communication” with an advertising focus. I live in an old house in St. Paul with two roommates. I’m single. I have great friends, both parents, and a sister who lives in the ‘burbs with her boyfriend. I am indebted to my college loans and one credit card. I like iced tea, summer, and the Food Network.

By all standards, I’m pretty normal.

But. I. Am. Bored.

Not bored with my life in general overall, just bored with the direction it’s going. A year ago, I just knew that this industry – the media and advertising industry – was where I belonged. I wanted to be a media expert, eventually graduating to the ranks of someone who could write articles and books and be considered THE person to go to about all things media. And for awhile, I thought that’s where I was headed. That’s kind of what I was being fed anyway.

But over the last few months, I’ve started to see the path I’m on as a dead end, unfulfilling, and honestly, not very gratifying. I get a knot in my stomach every Sunday evening as Monday draws nearer. I see the VPs and the SVPs and the EVPs and I know that I don’t want to be them. What brings me to work every week isn’t the glamour and thrill of busting the balls of some sales rep on the other end of the phone. I don’t get off on getting the lowest CPM for a media buy.

I’m in the wrong field.

So, I’ve got all these ideas of how I want to get out of this life, and what direction I want to go in next. I had originally thought that I wanted to pick up everything and move to Hawaii – and who knows? I might still do that. But I think the thirst is for something deeper, some greater purpose rather than just a year-long escape.

I want to do something with my life that makes a difference, that is rewarding, and in which I can continue learning and growing until I move on, retire, or leave this earth.

So I’m on the hunt. And I tend to write down most of my thoughts and ideas, so the blog was born.